to cut it sort of short.
i separated from dh in march/april as it was not a good relationship and i was becoming increasingly repressed and like a door mat!
ex was seeing kids at weekend but then changed mind and said he wanted them on a tuesday.. bizzarre as he know my eldest is at school and my 3 yr old is at pre school. he would cal on a monday night and swear/ verbally abuse me down the phon so i decided to stop contact till some formal ground ruls have been arranged.
we have been to our single appointments and are due to arrange a formal agreement on the 11th aug.
last week we went away and i agreed to let him come on the last day to spend time with the kids.
he was rude and arrogant the whole time and leaft the kids with a stranger while he went on the fairground rides with my eldest.
i saw this and went mad, he did not se the danger in leaving the children ( all under three) witha lady he only met 10 mins ago.
so… up till now ive been happy for him to have contact but he has been phoning me till 3 am and sending texts throughout the night telling me im a bad mother and that im going to hell etc. i have been ignoring them and last night he turned up at the house demanding to see the kids…. (of course they were all in bed asleep).
i asked him to leave and he continued to call and text me through the night!
this morning when we were lewving to walk to the town he was waiting outside my house and started crying, he upset the kids and told them that he wa going away fora lon time and would never forget them blada blada….
they all ended up crying and my son was screaming for his dady as he drove of and left me there totally stuned!
when we got home i had several emails from himself and his eldet daughter (19) telling me that im a cow and not half the woman his ex wife is etc etc…..
i got so upset and the kids were beings so challenging from the earlier upset that i totally lost it and shouted…. ALOT..
its not their fault and im so ashamed that i went mad at them..  ( mostly my 5 year old)  i burst into tears and sobbed on the floor…. my eldest daughter asked me why i was sad and i said i was really sorry and was a bad mummy forshouting… she told me i was the best mummy in the world and got up set too and we all sat there and cried and had a big sobbing cuddle!
i feel so rubbish and like a crap mum.. i dont know what to do…. all my calm parenting and turned to pot today and i fee like a wreck!
please advise… thankyou
god bless!

No particular wisdom, but (hugs). What a difficult situation.  Sounds like you are working hard to protect your childrens happiness. Will write more later when more awake but didn’t want to read and run.

Gosh, it sounds like you have such a lot on your plate at the moment.  It is impossible to protect your children completely from this, but it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Even when you shouted, they were able to see your vulnerable side, how upset you were, and I think this is just as important as seeing a mother in control of situations.  It makes it ok to get upset, to “lose it” at times, gives them some balance to the emotional world around them.

I hope today is so much better for you.  I think I may be tempted to turn the phone off for a few days   Perhaps if things are calmer today you could explain to the older ones that you were very upset with some people yesterday and show them it wasn’t their fault.  Huge hugs to you, may the sun shine on you all today.

So sorry to hear of your situation, have you kept the texts? They are harrasment and if going down a route where you are setting up ‘official perimeters’ for visits and contact they will be useful.  They would also be useful as documented evidence just in case it lasts for a while and if he decides to do anything more stupid, not saying he will he just sounds like an idiot but if you get rid of the texts and then have not got them if you need them to prove a point.  The police and other officials will use texts and email as evidence to sort out situations of harrasment. You can get storage devices that texts can be saved on if you don’t want them on your phone.

Have a nice day with the children and tell them you were stressed, they don’t have to know why just that you are sorry.
Love to you all,
sarie

Don’t want to read and run *hug*

You are not a rubbish mum, you’re doing the best you can in a very difficult situation.  We all lose it from time to time (I lost it at DD last night as we had an hour of screaming trying to get her in the bath, so am also feeling like the worse mum), just cause we’re mums doesn’t mean we;re superheros and don’t get stressed.  What you DH and his daughter are doing is harrassment at best and emotional abuse to the kids at worse.  I would seriously look at getting the authorities involved and even taking something out to prevent him comming near you and/or supervised visits with the kids.

Sending you a big hug and I hope things improve soon.

Michelle

I second what Sarie said - get in touch with your local police station and they’ll probably go around and have a chat to him about appropriate behaviour vs harrassment. I did this and the policeman who’d come to my house after a drunken screaming session from my ex the night before rang me and said he’d spoken with my ex who had broken down and been very understanding about the trouble he was causing and how out of order it was. After that, we were able to establish some rules and things settled for a bit. Got to run but please feel free to pm me if you like - I was going to write more about solicitors etc but ds is climbing the walls!

Claire xxx

Gosh, what an horrible situation to be in, I’ve had some horrible situations with my ex too, you have my fullest and deepest sympathies. and you’re not alone!  Not that knowing there are other men out there that can be cretins is that comforting, as such.  I’ve lost it with Rye so many times when I’ve been stressed out because of a situation with the ex… we aren’t super human, we have just as intense emotions as the next person.. and sometimes those emotions are displayed in ways we’d prefer them not to be.  But at the end of the day, forgive yourself, hug your kids, tell them you love em, and all is forgiven.

As for your ex DH, I would strongly suggest following the advise of calling the police, possibly social services too, as he put your children at risk, and get yourself a solicitor.  The emotional abuse he is plying you with.. and has now done to the children by turning up on the doorstep and saying all that rubbish to them.. means you have every right to insist on supervised visits at a contact centre.  And yes keep the emails and texts and show them to a solicitor.

And as for you - a hot bat with some lavender oil added.. have a nice soak, and then pull the plug, stay in the water and imagine all the stress and icky feelings this man has give you, being washed away down the plughole, leaving you cleansed and refreshed.

((hugs))
Joxy.

What you wrote really made me want to reply and say that I second what everyone else said.
He is harrasing you and the kids, and it just can not continue.
Call the authorities and get them to deal with it, I really think that he needs to be shown you wont put up with that kind of emotional abuse from him.
Just think what a relief it will be if he is not alowed to come near you.
He sounds very unstable, and I would guess that he needs some help to pull himself together and start acting like a responsible human being.
My heart goes out to you,
Radha

You sound like you’re having a really hard time..  He’s playing mind games with you, particularly nasty ones at that..

Keep a diary, try and jot down what you’ve said here in a bit more detail with dates/descriptions of events (facts only, don’t let it get emotive) and keep amy texts. If you haven’t kept them until now the police will be able to get copies from your phone provider.

Ihope things settle soon, you’re not a bad mum at all - just one who’s going through a tough time and has been ground down by an ex!

xx

Big hugs to you, you are doing the best you can and you are a good mum.  I agree with all the advice above. Please get yourself a solicitor as they will let you know where you loegally stand and always seem to make thing slook a lot more positive.  Do keep a record of all communication, this can be hard in itself but even a few notes then go back when you feel a bit calmer and fill in details.  If you feel threatened in the meantime then phone the police as that is what they are there for.

Sorry can’t keep think of anything else at the moment, but I know where you are coming from.  Like Roxy I’ve lost my patience with my daughter various times after having problems with her father, but then she knows that some days mummy is ‘tired’ or not quite herself and other days mummy is back.  By the sounds of things you have made the best decision for all concerned by leaving him, it mya not seem it some days, but it will in the end.

Take care of yourself, and please keep sounding off to us as it won’t help to keep it in.  Feel free to PM if you prefer.

v