Lucy Corkhill

By Lucy Corkhill

04th February 2013

Boys are different to girls - they need a different kind of support and attention in order to grow into happy and well balanced men. In this article we look at what makes boys tick and share some ideas for effective parenting of our sons.

Lucy Corkhill

By Lucy Corkhill

04th February 2013

Lucy Corkhill

By Lucy Corkhill

04th February 2013

Every time I visit Amazon online, Steve Biddulph’s new book – Raising Boys, published this January – pops up. This guy is a publishing and parenting phenomenon; his books have sold in their millions and have been translated into 27 languages. A family therapist for over twenty years, he is also a man who adores his family, and it is this that shines through in his many books.

I have entered the uncharted (for me) territory of becoming mum to a boy, and I have a feeling that it will be a lifelong journey of discovery. Essentially, Biddulph’s argument is: boys are different to girls. They therefore need a different kind of support and attention to grow into happy and well balanced men. While this sounds blindingly obvious, for many years we have laboured under the misconception that gender predispositions and behaviour are a result of nurture and not nature. Biddulph, looking at boys’ brain development and childhood hormonal changes, says that we need to be aware of nature’s influence on our boys.

Stay at Home Parenting
That said, a lot of the book does veer towards the obvious. I stayed up one evening reading it and quickly whipped through. Biddulph’s style is easy to read, friendly and conversational. Some of the accusations levelled at the book are the lack of citations for his research and what some feel are the outdated ideas that mothers should stay with their sons for the first three years of their life, rather than employ childcare. This is because boys are more prone to separation anxiety than girls. But this resonated with me: right now, although my son is only one, I can’t imagine leaving him in childcare. I’m lucky in that my husband and I share the care of our son, but we’ve arranged our lives and finances so that this is possible, as it was one of our main intentions in raising a family. As one of the women interviewed in an article Could You Be a Stay at Home Mum? in the Green Parent issue 51 pointed out; ‘If you think you’re a well-functioning human being, aren’t you the best person to bring up your child? It’s the most important job in the world…’

Stages of development
Biddulph posits that a boy’s development is in three stages: from birth to six, from six to fourteen, and from fourteen to adulthood. He describes what boys need at each stage of their development and what adults – parents, relatives, teachers and mentors – can do to support each of those stages. The first stage is definitely a mum-focused stage and the later stages are more dad-focused, though both parents are important throughout a boy’s life. Biddulph offers some ideas if you’re a single mum, and explains the importance of male role models.

Teenage initiation
I have noticed, amongst friends and acquaintances, the tendency to roll eyes and complain about boys’ exuberant energy. The intimation is that boys are more of a nuisance, more unruly, than girls. It was primarily because I wanted to celebrate my son’s ‘maleness’ that I read Biddulph’s book. And he does celebrate boys in all their uniqueness, and offers guidance on getting them access to mentors and experiences that help them channel that powerful energy into something positive. What I was particularly interested to read was his discussion of male initiation ceremonies in other cultures. I strongly believe that this kind of sacred ritual, offered by elders with love and awareness, is a powerful transitional tool for teens, both male and female. So many of my generation feel that this was sorely lacking in their upbringing: certainly for my female friends the only ‘initiation’ into teenagehood was a visit from the tampax lady pedalling her toxic-shock-syndrome-causing wares.

Mentors
Biddulph also stresses the need for male mentors in a teenage boy’s life, particularly, but not only, if he doesn’t have a father figure. Mentors, Biddulph claims, fill in the gaps when boys take their first steps to independence and push away from the parents. Grandfathers and uncles are ideal, and Biddulph mentions apprenticeships as a way to learn a trade and an outlook on life – thankfully, a tradition that is back in vogue. This is one of the key focuses of the book, reminding me of the African saying: ‘it takes a village to raise a child’.

Schools and sex education
I liked the fact Biddulph wasn’t so keen on pushing exams for boys, asking parents to focus instead on a boy’s emotional development and his engagement with the wider world as an indicator of future success and enjoyment of a career. There is a very interesting section on what schools should do to support boys’ development and key questions to ask when choosing a school for your son. Biddulph reminds us that in reality schools aren’t really the best place for energetic young boys (or girls), forced to sit for long hours indoors listening to someone else talk at them, and that a lot of what is labelled ‘bad behaviour’ is in fact a child’s yearning for a different kind of learning environment. He asks us to seek schools that offer something more. Biddulph also writes frankly about sex education and how important it is to celebrate a boy’s emerging sexuality rather than demonise it – there’s more than enough of that in the media. Biddulph suggests that a mother’s key role in adolescence is promoting respect for women, love and relationships. Hardly ground-breaking stuff, but sometimes it helps to have a reminder of how important these things are, things that can easily get lost in everyday life.

It takes a village
Raising Boys is peppered with anecdotes and stories from the parents and teachers of boys, some funny and some moving. In the final section, about the importance of community, there is a wonderful story about an initiation ‘ceremony’ that took place on an Australian island (Biddulph lives in Australia) for a group of boys ranging in ages from 14-19. Reading it gave me goosebumps, and my husband immediately began planning who he would take along as mentors for our son on his initiation ceremony – despite having well over a decade to wait! It was the community chapter that inspired me most, though it is probably the shortest. Biddulph writes:
“The spirit of a boy is too great for just a family to contain, and his horizons are wider than a family can provide for. By mid-teens, a boy wants to leap into his future – but there must be a place for him to leap to, and strong arms to steady him. This means building community links in order to help boys.

“If we parents have ‘community’ around us, then we can trust that other adults, singly or as an organised group, can support our teenagers into a sense of worth and belonging…

“The transition into adulthood takes concerted effort. But how is it done? What are the methods and what is the timetable? What are the key elements? Some are practical: a listening ear, the teaching of skills, the expansion into new horizons of thinking and action, the giving of caution and protection from danger. Some are more ‘magical’ and spiritual.”

As mothers of boys, we must be aware of their unique needs and how we can support them to grow and flourish. I am so excited to be embarking on this journey! This book has been a wonderful catalyst for further thought and exploration, and I sense that there will be much more learning to come. What are your favourite books for raising boys?

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